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HOLLENBECK: Bulletin bloopers bring out the best in church humor

August 15, 2011

Humor is great at any level and even better when it’s involving church folks who, I contend, are the best of the best. Those of us who have had the “joy” (that’s a euphemism for which you may substitute an appropriate word choice) of setting the church bulletin know how easy it is for a typo to get by that changes the meaning of an announcement.
The change sometimes can be embarrassing, but more often than not, is really, really funny.
There are so many of these that occur year after year that they have been categorized into a special name — bulletin bloopers. The following actually saw print and I’m sure brought many a smile
•Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
•The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
•Evening massage - 6 p.m.
•The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
•The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
•Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
•Ushers will eat latecomers.
•The third verse of “Blessed Assurance” will be sung without musical accomplishment.
•For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
•The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
•The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
•During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
•Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
•Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
•Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All.”
•Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
•The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
•The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
•Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows
•A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.
•Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
•Our next hymn is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
•This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
•The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
•Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
•Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
•Our next hymn is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
•This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
•The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
•Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
•Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
•On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
•Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
•Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.
•The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
•Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
•The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.
*Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
*Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Lynda Hollenbeck is associate editor of the Saline Courier.
lyndahol@yahoo.com

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