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HOLLENBECK: Did you mean ‘sin’ or ‘sing’? |
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Tuesday, 29 April 2008 |
Ed came across this little story in some of his material.
Church humor is hard to beat. There’s nothing like a blooper or two to bring on a smile when you least expect it. You know what they are. They’re those blurbs that get into the church bulletin or newsletter that with a wrong word or letter here or there can turn a perfectly innocent announcement into something funny and sometimes risque.
My spouse has been collecting examples of bloopers and other church humor throughout his ministry.
Now officially “retired” for a couple of months,he isn’t going to give up this habit any time soon. You don’t suddenly set aside an interest of more than half a century.
Ed’s humor collection includes some of the following:
“Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
“Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome. Everyone come for a fun time.”
“The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight is ‘Searching for Jesus.’”
“Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. (They need all the help they can get.)”
“Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jim’s sermons.”
“Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”
“Don’t let worry kill you off — let the church help.”
“Irving Watson and Janie Green were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.”
“For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
“Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.”
“Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. — prayer and medication to follow.”
“The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”
“This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn-sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
(This one came close to home. Ed still loves to remind me of the time I received a note of thanks from a new bride who thanked me for “sinning” at her wedding. Ed usually went along with me, but hadn’t that time. When he read the note, he told me, “I think I should have gone with you.”)
“Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship hall after the B.S. is done.”
“The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.”
“The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday. It is: ‘I upped my pledge — up yours.’”
“The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”
“The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.”
“Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.”
“The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’”
“A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.”
“The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.”
“The Sunday Night Men’s Glee Club will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.”
“Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.”
“At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
“Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.”
“The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.”
“Our next hymn is ‘Angels We Have Heard Get High.’”
“This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.”
“The service will close with ‘Little Drops of Water.’ One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.”
“Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”
“Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.”
“Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 through 17.”
“If you choose to heave during the postlude, please do so quietly.”
“We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.”
“Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.”
“As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.”
“Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.”
“Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.”
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.”
“For the word of God is quick and powerful ... piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.’
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.”
“Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.”
“The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.”
“Volunteers are needed to spit up food.”
“We pray that our people will jumble themselves.”
And there’s more ...
It didn’t appear in a church bulletin, but it’s definitely in the church humor category, and it’s one that will appeal to church musicians everywhere.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they had expected to need for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently, “but you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star-Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
Ever known a church gossip? Most congregations have one. This story is about one such individual.
Sarah, the self-appointed supervisor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. A man of few words, George stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house ... AND HE LEFT IT THERE ALL NIGHT.
Some people know how to have the last word — without saying even one.
Ah, church people. They’re the best.
Lynda Hollenbeck is associate editor of the Courier.
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