By Emily Jones

 It is Saturday morning just past dawn.  Everyone else in town is still sleeping in. But not me -this is my special time to go grocery shopping and I try to get it done before 8 a.m. That way I don’t have to get all dolled up in case I run into someone I know.

Not that my “dolling up” is very effective these days anyway. I’m more likely to put on big sunglasses and flip flops.  I would wear a “do-rag” on my head, but I don’t know how to tie one. 

  This week I’m wearing a tee shirt with madras culottes dating to 1988. They were very chichi two decades ago and I’ve decided to initiate a comeback.  The truth is that I was cleaning out my closet after watching an episode of “What Not To Wear” and as instructed, I gave away everything I haven’t worn in two years. 

  Unfortunately that means I have nothing left to wear but the stuff I moved to my guest room closet when shoulder pads went out of style.I don’t know why I’m holding on to jackets with shoulder pads suitable for an NFL linebacker.

  But this is isn’t about fashion.  It’s about the acute anxiety I feel as I face the labyrinth-like aisles of too many products and no shopping list.   I suddenly have no idea why I came other than force of habit.  

  Hmmm. Some fish would be nice and healthy too, I’m thinking.  But do I buy the wild variety or something that was raised on a farm that might contain heavy doses of mercury? Maybe chicken would be safer, but how do I know they weren’t raised in crowded cages and fed yellow dye?

  And what about the margarines, cookies and crackers that contain those pesky trans fats. What are trans fats anyway and why are they bad for you? 

  I don’t even venture down the soft drink or cereal aisles - way too many choices.   I am suddenly struck by the paralytic paradox of choice in 21st century America. 

  Have you tried to buy orange juice lately?  You must decide if you want pulp, no pulp, some pulp, lots of pulp, MOST pulp, calcium, antioxidants, fiber, added Vitamin C, calcium and vitamin D. You have traditional, original, grovestand, grower's style, homestyle, low-acid, light, and heart healthy with Omega-3s.

   I picked up a calcium fortified carton - then it dawned on me, I could’ve had a V-8!!

After 45 minutes of strolling up and down the aisles I have nothing in my cart but a new sponge and a carton of orange juice. Incidentally there are painfully FEW sponge choices.  Sponge Bob is missing the boat miserably. The entire stock was yellow or royal blue - both colors which clash with my decor.  Now THERE’S where I would like some choices.

  By now I have a headache and wheel over to the pharmacy. Oh gee, do I want Advil, Aleve, Anacin, Ascriptin, Bayer, Bufferin, Ecotrim, Excedrin, Halfprin (not sure about the other half), Legatrin, Mobigesic, Momentum, Motrin, St. Joseph, or Vanquish? It all made me want to bang my head against the wall, but I didn’t want to attract attention - what with me dressed in my madras culottes. 

  The ultimate confusion erupted at the check out line where traffic was pickin’ up like rush hour on a Friday afternoon.  The clerk standing at the “You check it out yourself”  lane eyed me hopefully.  I suspect she’s been promised a bonus if she can entice someone to use the lane which most customers avoid like the plague. Since I only have two items to pay for, I thought “I’ll be daring and give it a try.”

  I left the market with a real sense of accomplishment despite my lack of groceries.  I’m thinking next Saturday I’ll do my grocery shopping at a convenience store so I don’t have to make so many decisions.

Emily Jones is a retired journalist who lives in Starkville, Mississippi.  She edits a website for bouncing baby boomers entering their second adulthood.  She may be reached at www.deludeddiva.com