 The Benton City Council, in a rarified display of compassion and clear headedness, last week overturned a glaring error in the anatomy of the city’s hierarchy by wrestling to the mat the appointment of the Rev. Charles William Snodgrass as the grandiose sabbatical municipal theologian.
A move long overdue in the natural order of governmental entities, and sure to bring untold rewards for incumbents in next year’s election.
Snodgrass, with a long history of local political interest and a lifelong resident of the city, is the first of his statuesque bearing to inherit the ecclesiastical vestments of this most noble and holy office.
Known to his thousands of friends and admirers as Charlie Bill, he also is recognized as the Rev. Bubba at the Armadillo Trot Deer Camp and Mulligan Center. Married to the former Willadene Watzkopf of the Twelve Mile Cross Roads area, the couple parent three relatively normal children.
Willadene once held the distinguished title of Miss Bradford Pear Jam of West Saline County. She is known for her stirring renditions of Biblical epistles in which she accompanies herself on the banjo.
Snodgrass is the pastor of Possum Run Church, Community Center and Softball Clinic, a post he has held for the past 15 years, since the closing of Reynolds Mines, where he was a certified licensed dirt dauber and Uke driver.
Almost a graduate of Saline County schools, Snodgrass reluctantly left education in the 10th grade to join the Army when offered the choice between studying agriculture at Pine Bluff at state expense or choosing the higher calling of a rewarding career in the military by Municipal Judge Joe Purcell. His theology doctorate was earned through the U.S. Postal Service from the Holy Temple of Sanctification and Outreach in Fieldstone, Ala. He also accumulated additional hours in postgraduate work of non-denominational oratory and hog calling at War Memorial Stadium.
When asked of his immediate plans to consecrate his newly appointed office, Snodgrass was eloquent in effusive praise for his nominators, but scarce on essentials for his upcoming work at City Hall.
“Well, first, you know, I’ve got to set up my communion coffee pot and bread-breaking essentials from Dale’s Donuts so that I may listen to my worldly kin here and about this beautiful city,” he replied.
“First, I intend to assume the mantle of prayerful thanks to begin each city council session. You know, this is something long overdue, having been done sometimes in the past by amateurs. A joyful prayer of supplication to the Almighty in a proud and professional manner is absolutely essential to doing good bidness. Besides it will look better on TV.”
“Also, as you may or may not know, there have been no official blessings to new purchases of equipment down at the city barn. Just think about it! Would you want to risk your life in a bucket truck that had not been officially and publicly sanctified in accordance to the desires and dictates of the all powerful? No, I should say not,” he went on.
“It also came to me in a terrible vision — most apocalyptic, I might add — that new streets are opened randomly in no set manner and use is begun without first being blessed according to the principles of the Arkansas Municipal Theologian Society. It is listed most emphatically on page 143 of the little red book of prayer that all streets, byways and municipal asphalt conveyances must be soundly and thoroughly blessed in accordance with standard doctrine of this most elite organization,” Brother Snodgrass moaned on.
“Just recently we had a most grievous happenstance here in the city that surely could have been rectified with sufficient blessing at the beginnings of the occasion. Down at the old airport at the statewide gathering of them radio-control modelers and visitors from all over Arkansas, we were most surely embarrassed when one of those airplanes went on the fritz and ended up in a big old tree, something a little heavenly intervention could have prevented,” Rev. Bubba said.
“Oh, it ended up all right because Mayor Holland was there and sent down a city ladder truck to fetch it from the branches, but it was an occurrence that could have been averted with elicited blessings at the beginning of the meet,” he continued.
“Another thing we should be most frightful of is the spread of these questionable bingo parlors. Now the legislature tried to protect us from these evil dens of gambling as best they could, but you know how most things go that the ledge gets its ugly little fingers on. Loopholes started unraveling like a Chinese sweater. According to our legislators, all bingo games are to be backed with fealty to a philanthropic or civic organization or one of religious zeal. Well, dear friends, one could see it coming a mile away. Jackleg ministers of the word are being flushed from the bull rushes to attach their name to a commercial bingo establishment — all in the name of religious financing. A closed service station becomes a headquarters to separate our dear citizens from their Social Security checks,” further intoned Snodgrass.
“I can see this as a spreading, reeking plague here in our wonderful town, a sad, sorry state of affairs that must be held in check by steely-eyed guardians of the faith such as myself and the Benton Police Department if we need a little muscle.
“And another thing, I fully intend to crack down without mercy on office pools, clearly a sorry, sad state of gambling in which there are many losers to atone for the one winner who will use the ill gotten gains to purchase something that he or she should not have had in the first place or it would have been given to them.”
When asked about prayers and the limited amount of air time for said epistles during coverage of council meetings, Snodgrass replied that he was not worried about this, declaring it a non-item.
“In the book of municipal prayers they are rated not by topic, but by time elapsed,” he said. “There are two-minute prayers, five-minute benedictions, on up to 30-minute petitions of the Almighty for a specific purpose. Naw, I don’t see any problems with these supplications. It’s all scientifically calculated to address the problem of restricted TV broadcast time.”
“I also am looking forward for the opening of my office. Willadene will be my secretary and responsible for my anticipated crowded schedule. I don’t look to have a lot of free time to roam around Benton rooting out minor sin, just the heavy stuff. Not that I’m forsaking the future. Why, do you realize what a fertile field is lurking in the Benton District Court system?
“Oh brethren, I see great strides to be accomplished by this office with supplication available for persons who might otherwise go without, all in the name of gracious humility, of course,” said the Rev. Snodgrass in closing.
Ron Meyer is cartoonist, columnist and former general manager of the Courier. His column appears Friday.
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